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Chapter 10.

Why I find a calmness in most Tables of Contents.

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Writing down your thoughts is a wonderful way to convey complex thoughts and emotions to others. While I may never know the satisfaction of simply writing a novel, I understand that most authors are rejected from standard publishers. I figure that the rise of self publishing is a result from the constant dismissal from publications. While there is freedom to share your work, I can understand the need for professional editors. Rational criticism and critique exists for a reason, and while I may not have the ability to have others look over my posts before I submit them, I find that the feedback given from standard users is enough to keep me going.

Often I find myself in a depressing spiral of constant dissatisfaction. The constantly blank page for me to turn into a structured set of paragraphs is a challenge that berates me for perfection, yet the typical struggle is in the form of finding a topic worth writing about. I’ve always imagined myself as a successful fiction author, however the ideas that I found so easily in my youth to write about have vanished along with my imagination. I could go on for hours fantasizing about adventures in far off lands filled with magic and amazement. The escape that was provided by these daydreams allowed me to find joy in the mundane, yet I’ve found that as I grow older my sense of vivid creativity had diminished as I learned about living alone.

Perhaps the best solution would be for me to find a spouse that shares my interests. The difficulty associated with that task is that I’ve yet to have a girlfriend, so the chances of me finding someone in the next few years is dismal at best. While I won’t give up hope of finding someone to care about emotionally, my love life has little experience to work with. I desperately don’t want to end up being a 40-year old virgin with a passion for romanticizing the bleak situation that is my life. Hopefully I can find someone who completes the empty void that constantly encompasses my being.

There is nothing more depressing than the lonely person who is constantly surrounded by others. All I really want is someone to care for me in the way that isn’t already found in my immediate family. While sexual attraction is a normal segment to finding a partner, the needs of the lonely often promote further misery. I know that there is certainly people out there that could easily serve as my “soulmate”, yet my experience finding those individuals is now desolate in that regard.

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