Posted on April 14, 2017
Friday, April 14th, 2017
Hello again. Apologizing for the last two weeks of absence would be pointless. I’ve been working on multiple things, such as a video and several dozen new graphic designs, which you can find if you look for them. The problem with those projects is that it doesn’t count toward a new post, only existing ones, so it looks like I haven’t done anything. Most times that I give an update, I feel as if I’m talking to nobody, as the viewer statistics for this website so far are virtually non-existent. While I haven’t completely given up hope for this website, only having a few thousand views here in over 7 months is quite discouraging.
Upsetting update notwithstanding, there have been a few developments over the last two weeks. I started to write my own private journal, which has really helped me cope with certain issues. I don’t believe mentioning them here would be useful in a public form like these online journal posts. I like to have a small form of privacy, so I’m afraid that those thoughts will remain my own and won’t be publicized. The cathartic nature of my writing has certainly helped my limited sanity, which I feel is improving over time.
I’ve found myself strangely nostalgic for several old movies recently. It started of with Sky High (2005), and quickly led to me looking into a few old movies that I enjoyed in my youth. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) was what I watched yesterday, and I’m upset to know that it doesn’t hold up as much as I wished it did. Some days I end up feeling upset by how much time has gone by, and this leads me into a dark recollection of the opportunities that I’ve missed. While it makes little sense to dwell on the past, I feel that if I don’t, I’ll simply end up making the same mistakes.
When I try to imagine how my life will play out, I see an endless amount of possibility, but little drive to finish my goals. There is always something tugging on me to collapse into a form of self pity. The final effect that these dreams have isn’t good for me. I’m constantly terrified by changes that could happen, and the end result frightens me to no end. While I pursue the dream of becoming a writer, the abject fear of mediocrity shapes me into someone who only writes only to feel pleasure from praise. I know that rejection will be in my future, and that knowledge makes me confront the demons that plague my thoughts.
Its hard to not feel like a hack when so many greats have come before you. When do you truly know that you have made it? Typically, the only ones who appreciate your work usually appear once you’ve died. This fact saddens me, but I can understand the mentality. My work will only amount to the goals that I set for myself, and if I’m too scared to actually attempt my dreams, than I’m no better than the ones who tried and failed. I would much rather become an abject failure than someone who quit and never even tried.
This leads me to set some goals for myself. I’m still only twenty, so the thought of five years sounds like a moderate amount of time for trial and error. If I still suck at the age of 25 (or I haven’t released a few novels by then), then I know that my dream has little purpose. At some point, it becomes foolish to chase after a dream that you could never achieve. It’s knowing when to quit that you gain the ability to make the right decisions. History is full of foolish decisions, and only a few of them will ever work out in your favor. I hope that the choices I’m making right now are wise for my future.