Posted on February 3, 2017
Or so I thought.
Moving forward will always have its challenges. Some days will be a harder burden on your psyche. I’ve found that when life throws a curve-ball at you, try actually hitting it instead of cowering at the speed and damage that is quickly approaching you. You only get so many chances before you are out of the game, so you may as well do your best to play it correctly. We learn the rules of the game in our childhood, yet many are ill-prepared for the world that they inhabit. I was a victim of romanticizing adult life. My childhood was a care-free existence and the true nature of living alone is a tough burden to cope with. I enjoy company, yet the stress of bills and debts cripple my desire to actually live my life some days.
Suicide is an odd topic of discussion. At any moment I could easily find a quick solution to end every stress and issue in my life, yet I know that suicide isn’t the true answer that I want. My existence is a wonderful experience, yet I find the day-to-day monotony excruciating. Looking into my future as a depressed individual existing in a melancholy world of minimum wage positions until my inevitable death doesn’t exactly offer me the hope to get through it. While I know that my friends and family would miss me terribly, the disappointment that would be caused by my action would render my life pointless. That single motivation keeps me going and allows myself to stay far away from actual suicidal tendencies. Yeah, I know that sharing this may not be a positive sign that I am truly a happy person, but what do you actually consider sane behavior? Everyone has a rut that shuts them down emotionally sometimes. I’m just waiting for a streak of good fortune to lift my spirits. When that time comes, I will be happy to provide you with the details. Until then, the stress of constantly barely making rent tied in with a lifetime of occasional misery is enough to make anyone question if they truly matter in the grand scheme of the universe.
I’ve found comfort in knowing that my life makes a minimal impact. The added stress often associated with developing a following would certainly make me wary of moving forward. Imagine if I wrote a bestselling novel or an award-winning web series. The fear of following that success is enough to make me question why I attempt practically anything. I don’t write for the desire of fame or recognition (Partly so actually. Everyone hopes to find success in their line of work) but to encapsulate my thoughts for others to read after I have passed. The Internet allows me to share myself with anyone who has a wish to get to know me, and that fact alone provides the energy required to pour myself into my writing.
The typical issue that stems from my life is found in the desire to simply be left alone. If I was able to press a pause button and simply step outside of my reality I would do so without any hesitation. I find myself constantly questioning why I exist and what my purpose of being is. I could have been born at any era of humanity, so I wonder what was the need for me to exist at this specific moment and living the life that I currently embody. Some argue that a higher power has a plan for all of us, yet I feel that answer is just a long-running excuse for the questions that all of us share on our small rock in the universe. We all strive in knowing what our place is on this planet, yet we know not what will happen when we cease to function. I believe that death is exactly like infancy. Before you develop a sense of what reality is, you exist in a state that is both real and fake. A newborn has no thought of time, only the will to live and to continue living. I find no need in believing that there is another state of existence following death, but I enjoy the idea that this is simply the first step in a grander form of the universe. I cope with the thought of my life as a stepping stone for a larger purpose, but the rational side of me knows that there is no evidence of life after death. Nature can truly be beautiful, but I suppose that with beauty comes the knowledge that age is but a small part of what must occur for the new to thrive.